*Some of you may recall how I feel about Parents Magazine (of which I am still receiving issues despite my having not renewed the subscription). Tonight I found this little gem in the latest issue:
"She stays fit chasing after her 1-year-old son, Jake."
I never really know how to feel after reading things like this--after all, I've had three kids and never once was I able to "stay fit" just by chasing after them, and I start to wonder, is her kid running 10 miles a day at 10 miles per hour? Or is my kid just really lazy? I have to conclude however, that chasing after a toddler is not really an effective form of exercise, and I just want people to call a spade a spade:
"My metabolism is unnaturally high, and I'm able to stay thin just by sitting around and watching my 1-year-old son, Jake play with his blocks."
At least then we would be spared the intellectual insult.
*Phone Solicitors. 16 out of the last 30 phone calls our house received were solicitors. Which essentially means that I am paying about 15 dollars a month for people I don't know to call and send me into a panic-induced chase to the phone while my poopy-bottomed son wriggles around smearing poop on his changing table just to find out that I'm not getting a phone call from a long lost friend, but someone who swears that they can lower our mortgage payment. Now I know you all mean well, but please don't give me the "Just opt out" speech, because I've opted out about a million times, and I've listened to the full recorded message only to find out that there is no option to press a button and be removed from the calling list. It just isn't happening, they just aren't going away. So instead I'm thinking heavily of discontinuing my land line and just using the cell phone I pay an arm and a leg for anyway. Unfortunately for the people who will be getting my old phone number, I will continue to give it out when asked by retailers what my phone number is. Sorry future phone number possessors, but otherwise the purpose would be defeated.
*People who can't read our family names. My youngest son's first name is Axel. Nothing special, just Axe with an L sound at the end--you know like a certain guitarist from a certain 80's hair band (not his namesake by the way). And for illustration purposes, let's pretend that his surname is Fellstrod (and by the way it is surprisingly difficult to make up a fake name that is similar syllable wise to your real name). Tonight at the pharmacy while I was filling a prescription of his, the pharmacist called out "Alex Failstord." I'm assuming she knows how to read because it takes a fair amount of schooling to become a pharmacist, but that is really only an assumption. After 8 years of similar situations however, I start to wonder if the human brain can only handle a certain amount of letters before it shuts down it's ability to sight read. In Axel's case, that would be only one letter--A. Apparently if your name is anything more unique than Bob Smith--people just can't handle. Another reason this bothers me is that it's as if people are operating under the scenario that I have obviously misspelled my own son's name and that I must have meant Alex instead of Axel. It's a good thing that I didn't go with the original spelling of his name that I wanted: Axl. I think people would have had an aneurism trying to read that (my parents are going to have a heyday with this).
*Allergies. I always thought that it would totally suck to have a kid with allergies, and now I know definitively that it does indeed suck to have a kid with allergies.
*Everything-- at a particular time of the month.