Monday, May 10, 2010

Contract Renegotiations

I thought you'd all like this actual transcription of a meeting between my agent (MA) and the representative of my children (CR) for this year's contract renegotiations:


CR: Alright. Mother's Day is over and I think you would agree that we've shown Ali just what a special organization we are.

MA: Yes, Ali has had a lovely weekend, thank you for all of the perks and the red carpet treatment. Ali and I both can see that you have a lot to offer and we are optimistic that we can come to an agreement for this next year that will keep us all happy.

CR: Let's start the renegotiations then. What are your client's demands for this year?

MA: Yes, well, like I said, Ali has loved being a mother to your organization this last year, but she and I both see much room for improvement. To that end, we are proposing the following demands:

All things included in last year's package and:
-Much later mornings. Especially for the younger two. Nothing before 9 am
-Absolutely no more whining
-No more arguing with Ali or each other
-The level of healthy food eaten must be increased
-No more begging for toys or age inappropriate electronic devices
-Lights need to be turned off when not in use (this has been particularly bothersome this last year)
-No more sneaking food
-The oldest must agree to do his homework happily and to keep his bedroom clean at all times (This includes his closet and his adjoining bathroom. I know there have been disputes over what territory a "bedroom" encompasses in the past and we need to be clear on this point this year)
-The older two must agree to wash their hands after using the bathroom each time
-The youngest must be potty trained by the end of this year (day and night), and he's got to stop the incessant screaming at the top of his lungs (if either of these two demands are not met, next year's renewal of contract will be in serious jeopardy)
-The second oldest must agree to start eating her dinner
-Ali must have no less than two hours of free time each week during the children's awake time
-All three must cease all actions of eating Ali's personal chocolate and gum
-All three must immediately cease growing and getting older. This is a very important point that Ali has been demanding ever since each was born and it has never been met. She is getting extremely impatient on this matter. We'd like to see it resolved way before either of them reach adolescence. The oldest is already starting to show signs of poor attitude and foul language.
-All three must also cease jumping on the furniture

CR: (Scoffs) You've got to be kidding me! Many of these demands are just plain unrealistic. Ali's dreaming if she thinks she can get all of this from any organization!

MA: Hey-- don't tempt us, there are plenty of organizations out there that would love to have her. She's a highly qualified and loving Mother, and you guys are lucky to have her.

CR: Really? And you don't think our organization is being wooed by plenty of other applicants? We get plenty of people telling us how well behaved and adorable we are. Trust us, we're a hot commodity as well. If you're not careful, your client could be mothering a bunch of social derelicts.

MA: How dare you threaten us! This is getting out of hand, I move for a 15 minute recess in order for both of us to gather our composure.

--------------15 minute recess-------------------

CR: Alright look, now that we've both had a chance to calm down, the fact is that we love Ali, and don't want any one else to be the mother of this organization.

MA: (Sighs) Ok. Ali loves your organization as well, and she wants to stay here more than anything.

CR: Ok then. Let's make this work. We won't be able to meet all of your demands, but I think you'll see that we can make up for it in what we are willing to offer:

Everything included in last year's package and:
-An increase in the amount of hugs and kisses (although we won't be able to guarantee the schedule of said affection)
-We're willing to work on the whining, arguing, healthy eating, jumping on the couch, homework, cleaning, eating of dinner and all other behavioral issues
-Unfortunately, we are unable to give you later mornings, we discussed in years prior that it just isn't biologically possible. Neither is the not growing up part. These are things your client is just going to have to accept, but we promise it will pay off in the end.
-More notes written in cute handwriting and with adorable wording
-More adorable words and phrases learned
-More smiles and laughter
-An increase in baths (we know we've been slacking on this one lately)
-And a general increase of love and sweetness that I think you'll find unparalleled by any organization out there

MA: I'll be honest with you, that looks pretty good. What about the screaming and potty training? Ali's just about hit her wit's end on both of these points and she just can't imagine another year of both of these with no improvement.

CR: Hmm. Yes, I see what you mean. I can't promise anything, but we will work with the youngest and I'm certain that a fair amount of improvement will be reached by the end of the year, and in the mean time, when he screams, you're client will be free to excuse herself from the room and can have extra access to more chocolate (The good quality kind of course).

MA: Alright. If you can work with the youngest, you've got yourself a deal. Ali is looking forward to another great year with your organization.

CR: Wonderful! I'm certain that it will be a fantastic year, the best we've had yet! It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

MA: Likewise. Until next May.


And there you have it. That's how it's done. It's true that my Agent gets 10% of all kisses and hugs from the children which is a bit irritating and frankly downright awkward at times, but all in all, I think it's a pretty sweet deal.